No one can break Jane Rizzoli
by kajtw
Summary: My name is Jane Rizzoli and im an alcoholic.
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing. All mistakes are my own.**

Chapter 1

Do you ever have a nightmare you can't wake up from? That's my life.

The rain is loud as I lay in my bed. Its 5:30 a.m. I should be sleeping, I have to get up in an hour, but I woke up at five, and I needed my fix again. "My fix? Is that what this has really come down to?" The sound of the rain is making my head pound. Rain used to have such a calming effect, now it's just annoying.

Detective Jane Rizzoli, that used to have a nice ring to it, now it's just Jane. How can you be a detective when you're like I am? Charles Hoyt ruined this all for me. I can't even sleep at night, because all I dream about is him, every time I close my eyes I'm back on that basement floor. The only thing that keeps me sane is this whiskey bottle.

Maura has offered to stay with me until I get better, but what if I never get better. What if the memory of Charles Hoyt haunts me until the day I die? I don't want her to know; don't want anyone to know what he has done to me. What I have let myself stoop to. I keep thinking Maura's going to find out, but she hasn't. No one knows.

I try to never go to work drunk, but these last few weeks a have hard. I'm to the point to where I need it all the time. This bottle is my life line, if I don't have it with me I start to shake. I tell myself that I don't need it, but deep down I know I do. This is the only thing that gets me through the day. I roll over, and look at the clock 5:45 screw it there's no point in trying to sleep. I get myself out of bed, and head to the bathroom. Maybe a shower will make me feel better, maybe take this continuing ace I feel go away.

I step out of the shower, and get myself dressed. I avoid the mirror; I do not want to see what I have become. I've tried to deny it, but I know what I am, I'm an alcoholic. I can admit it, most alcoholics can't, am I really one? I look at the clock as I go back into my bedroom, 6:15 I'll get to work early today. That will give me a chance to work on my paper work that has been neglected.

I pour myself a shot of my fix. One is all I thought I needed, three later I know I need to stop. That much will not get me drunk, but I don't want to chance it since I'm going to work. I get into my car, and look in my glove compartment, my bottle is still there, so I'm good ready to go.

I sit at my desk for I don't know how long working on this paper work. I need to go to my car; my head is starting to pound again. As I make my decision to go to my car, Maura comes out of nowhere. That's weird usually I hear her. She flashes me that smile I love.

"Your here early."

"I wanted to get a start on this mountain sized paper work I have here".

She takes a good look at my face, gives me a weird look.

"Have you been sleeping much? You have dark circles under your eyes."

"I'm sleeping just fine; I'm just tired, because I got up early, so I could get this stuff done."

I didn't mention the six or seven times I had gotten up, because I needed my fix.

"If you're having nightmares again, I'll come stay with you." "Maura its fine, no nightmares I promise. Now I need to know if you got the tox screen back from the John Doe we had yesterday?"

Three hours, and two arguments with Frost later, I was able to get a moment alone to go to my car. This was what I needed, I knew it the minute I tasted it. If I don't have this then what do I have? I don't have an answer to that question.

I get home that night, and go straight to the ice box, but before I can get it out someone knocks on the door.

"Dammit who is screwing up my night?"

I ignore the person at the door, and get my bottle out, but before I can open it I hear Maura.

"Jane I know your here, your car is in the parking lot."

"Dammit."

I put the bottle back in the freezer behind the ice cream, and make my way to the door.

"I'm coming."

I open the door to find Maura holding up a bag of Chinese food. I so don't need this right now, I say to myself while I look at Maura, and smile.

"You brought food."

"I noticed you didn't eat lunch, so I figured I would bring you some food. Can I come in?"

I want her to leave, but I know if I tell her to leave she will know something is up.

"Sure."

I say as I open the door enough to let her in. There goes my night. I think to myself as I shut the door.

**Let me know if you like it.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The only thing I own are my own ideas. Mistakes are sadly still mine.**

Chapter 2

Maura didn't leave until late last night; I'm surprised she didn't see that something was wrong. The way I started shaking, and looking at the ice box. I needed it, needed my fix. For Maura to be so smart she is clueless sometimes.

My morning routine is just like the day before, only this time it's much later. I drank too much, and was not ready to get up at seven this morning. My phone has been going off for the last hour. Maura has called four times, Korsak two, and frost once. The day has just started, but I'm so ready for it to be over with.

When I finally get to work, I meet Maura in the elevator. This is not the way I want to start my day. She gives me that weird look again, but surprisingly she doesn't say anything. Maybe today will be better than what I thought it was going to be.

Cavanauga signals me into his office when he sees me, so maybe not as good as I thought it was going to be.

"Sit Rizzoli." Cavanauga says as I walk in, and shut the door.

He takes a seat on the edge of his desk. I'm afraid to say anything, I can't lose this job.

"I've noticed a change in you Rizzoli, and it's not for the better. Do you need time off? Do you need to see a shrink? What can I do to help? I don't want to lose one of my best detectives because of that monster Hoyt."

"I'm just fine sir; really I'm sorry I was late today it won't happen again."

Thirty minutes later I finally had him convinced I wasn't going crazy. Now if I could convince myself that, I might get somewhere.

Maura was waiting on me at my desk.

"Everything go ok with Cavanauga?"

I give her my best Rizzoli smile and say.

"Yeah everything is fine Maura."

"I really want to believe that Jane, but I can't. You don't look like you're getting any sleep, your losing weight, and there have been days where I swear you smell like alcohol."

I look around to see if anyone is eavesdropping on our conversation. Thankfully Korsak and Frost are nowhere to be found.

"I do sleep, and I eat you watched me eat last night, and what I do in the privacy of my own home is no one's business, but my own."

"You are my business Jane."

"Go find someone else; I'm tired of being anyone's business." I say as I walk off.

If I can make it to my car I'll be fine. The day got worse when the elevator door opened to the first floor. Come on seriously.

"Ma what are you doing here?"

"I came to see Frankie. You remember him; I'm surprised you remember any of us. You've been skipping out on Sunday dinners for the last month."

God I hate that look.

"I'm sorry Ma I've just been really busy, I'll try to make it this Sunday."

"That's not what Dr. Isles says."

"What has Maura said, and when have you two started talking regular?"

"She's worried about you."

My head is going to explode "look Ma I've got to go, tell Maura there is no reason to worry."

I walk away from my mother. I've walked away from a lot of people lately. I never see my family, I'm pushing Maura away. I know I need to stop this, but it doesn't matter how many times I say it I know I won't stop.

I was so happy when my day finally ended. Maura has tried to call, but I'm ignoring her. I know she wants an explanation, but I don't have one to give her. Telling her the truth wouldn't help matters either.

I sit on my couch with the TV on, but no sound. It's just me, and my bottle that's the way I like it.

Right as I think that someone knocks on my door.

"Jane please open the door so we can talk, or we can have this conversation with all your neighbors listening."

Crap Maura. I go to the ice box, and put my bottle back in, and make my way back to the couch.

"It's open Maura."

Maura walks in. God she changed before she came over here, I don't understand her sometimes. This isn't a fashion show.

Maura stands there, and looks at me for several seconds. I'm waiting on her to tell me that she hates me that I've been a horrible friend, because I have been. Maura deserves a better friend than me.

"We need to talk Jane."

"I think you made that clear to me, and my neighbors."

She gives me that look again.

"Ok, what is up with that look?"

"Jane if there is something wrong I wish that you would just tell me. I'm your friend, I haven't had many, but I'm pretty sure that friends at least tell the other about their problems. Am I wrong?"

"No Maura your right they do, but you don't understand it's not that simple."

"Then make it simple Jane, because I'm trying really hard to understand. I wish you could have seen yourself last night, you would see what I see. In a medical point of view, you look liked you were going through withdrawals, but I know you're not Jane because that's not you. Is it Jane?"

"Maura I'm."

Before I can finish my sentence Maura cuts me off.

"Don't lie to me Jane; I don't think I can handle another lie from you. Let me help you."

"I don't need help Maura, I'm fine."

Maura makes her way to the ice box, before I can stop her she opens it up. She takes my bottle from behind the ice cream, and holds it up.

"Is this fine Jane?"

**I hope you still like it. I probably willl not get another Chapter up until after Thanksgiving.**

**Thanks for all the reviews so far.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I hope everyone still likes this so far. **

**Sorry for the short chapter.**

Chapter 3

"Maura like I said at work, what I do in the privacy of my own home is no one business, but my own." "When it carries on to work I think its everyone's business.

What do you think Barry would say? You're supposed to have his back when you guys go out to pick up a suspect. What if you were drunk and you made a mistake?"

"It hasn't got that far. I'm never drunk at work. Now if you don't mind I want you to leave, I don't need a lecture right now."

I went over to the door, and opened it. I really do not want to fight her on this.

"Please Maura, just go."

Maura puts my bottle back up, and walks over to the door. She gives me that look again, and walks out. I shut, and lock the door.

For weeks Maura didn't talk to me about anything, but work. She never just showed up at my door anymore. I was starting to miss her, but I deserved this I pushed her away now she has every right to push me away. My addiction has become worse.

"Am I ever going to stop this?"

I asked myself one day while waiting on Korsak, who had left to grab us some coffee. Maura interrupts my thoughts.

"Detective I have the toxicology screen back from our male victim identified as."

Before Maura can finish I see my mother I take the repot from her.

"Thanks Maura I'll be down as soon as I can."

I smile at her; she just frowns and walks away. Thankfully she walked in the direction my mother was not. I walk to mother take her by the arm, walk her back to the elevators. I push her in it, and I get in with her. When the doors close she finally speaks.

"What was that all about?"

"Ma you can't just walk in here, this is not a place for you. What are you doing here anyways?"

"Can I not come check up on my daughter?"

"Have you ever heard of a phone? Or let's see coming to my house, not the place I work."

"You don't ever answer your phone, and you don't want me at your house."

the elevator doors opened then, and I walked with my mother to the parking lot before I said anything else.

"I never said I didn't want you at my house. Who told you that?"

"It's nothing anyone has told me, that's just the attitude you've been putting off here lately."

"Ma I'm really not trying to be rude, I've just been busy. I don't feel like talking with anyone."

When we got to my mother car, I opened the door for her. Before she got in, she really looked at me, I noticed this is the first time she has given me a really good look since I took her out of the building.

"Maybe you should try talking to Maura. She misses you."

"She sure doesn't act like it.

"Just give it a try, she might surprise you."

Before I could say anything else, she got in her car. I shut her door for her, and watched her drive away.

Maybe I should try, she's my best friend there no reason to be afraid to talk to her. I say to myself as I make my way down to the morgue. Maura was in her office when I got there. I knocked on her door; Maura looked up from the papers she was looking at. When she noticed it was me her smile turned to a frown.

"Can I help you detective?"

"Actually you can. Where is my sometimes geeky, Google talk friend?"

"So now you want to be friends. When I was trying to be your friend, you told me to leave."

"I'm sorry Maura can we just get over that, and be friends again? I miss you Maur."

"I miss you to Jane."

She finally gave me that smile, and it felt like a weight lifted off that had been there since the night I told her to leave.

"I think I might need some help Maura."

"I know Jane."


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the long wait.**

** I still own nothing, but my own ideas. **

**All mistakes are still mine.**

**Let me know if you still like it.**

Chapter 4

Maura decided to come home with me that night; she said we needed to talk. I know we needed to, but I didn't want to.

Maura started cleaning up the place as soon as I unlocked the door.

"Hey Maura you can stop obsessing, it's fine."

Instead of stopping she ignored me, and continued.

"Your mother really needs to come over here, and organizes your stuff."

"I swear Maura if you send her over here I will never forgive you."

"I'm kidding Jane. Do you really think I would do that to you?"

She finally looked at me. She was smiling so I knew she was actually kidding with me.

"I really need to teach you how to kid better."

I walked over to the ice box. I needed to get it out. It had been hours since I had had some, I was starting to get that shaky feeling again. I looked over at Maura, she was looking at me.

"Go ahead Jane; it might make this a little easier."

I got it out poured myself a shot, it felt weird because Maura was standing there staring at me.

"Do you mind not staring? I'm not used to an audience."

"Sorry."

Maura continued cleaning, while I got lost in my fix. An hour later I was feeling much better, and my house was clean. Maybe I should let her come over more often.

We sat on the couch. Neither one of us were saying anything. Maura finally broke the silence.

"When did this start Jane?"

"A while ago."

"Why did this start?"

I took a deep breath I didn't want to have this conversation, but this was Maura I was talking to, she wouldn't judge me. Would she?

"After the stuff that Hoyt did I was fine, at least I thought I was. I mean I was happy because we had caught him. He wouldn't hurt anyone else. Then months later I started having these dreams, vivid nightmares, and I was scared to go to sleep at night, because he would be there every night in my dreams, and I had no way to stop it.

Then there was this one night I had woken up from a nightmare, and I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got the bottle of whiskey I had bought the day before and I drank some of it not a lot, but enough to help me go back to sleep. I didn't dream of anything else that night. So the next night before I went to bed I drank a little more, and dreamed of nothing. I had found my nightmare cure.

Hoyt slowly started to invade my day when I was awake, so I took care of him the same way as I did at night, and it slowly became a habit that I couldn't stop. I know it's wrong, but I don't know what else to do to make Hoyts memory go away."

"Now it's going to be different because I'm going to help you make his memory go away."

Maura took my hand in hers, and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel so alone.

"So here is what I have in mind. We are going to take all your alcohol out of here, but I'm not going to make you quiet all at once that would probably not be a good thing for you or for me, and we are going to keep this quiet there's no need anyone else should know at work, but Jane."

Now it was my turn to give her a weird look.

"Yes there is a but Jane. If this does not work, and I am not able to help you we will have to do something else. If that means getting you professional help I'll do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would help you. I'll even go as far as telling your mother and I know you don't want that. Am I understood?"

"I get it Maura this has to work or you're going to my mother, I fully understand that one."

Maura got up off the couch and looked down at me.

"Do you want to help me do this or should I just do it myself?"

"You do it."

"Is it just in the icebox?"

I wanted so badly to tell her yes, but if she found more that I didn't tell her about it would probably mess up her plan, and she would go to my mother.

"There's some in the cabinet by the icebox, and in the drawer in the bedside table."

I didn't tell her about the bottles I had in my car. I watched her get every one of my bottles and pour them down the drain by the fifth one I finally had to say something.

"Do you really have to pour them out? That's just a waste."

Maura didn't answer just continued pouring them out. It was getting frustrating to watch, so I finally went into my bedroom so I didn't have to watch her.

I laid in my bed and stares at the ceiling. Could I really do this? I get scared just thinking about not having my fix.

I can't do this.


	5. Chapter 5

**So I still dont own anything.**

**Mistakes are still my own.**

**I confused myself while writing this chapter. when I started writing it, i was going to make it be just a little bit after Hyot did what he did the first time. Then i started thinking in this chapter that it should be after the first season, and before remember me in season two. So this way i dont confuse any one else Angela lives in Maura's guesthouse. Let me know what you think about this chapter. I really enjoyed writing this chapter.**

Chapter 5

I sat up in my bed. I was in a conflict with myself. Do I tell Maura to leave, or do I let her stay and help? God why is this so hard?

I can hear Maura going through my cabinets, she's looking for more that I didn't tell her about. She doesn't trust me, but how can you trust an alcoholic. I get off my bed, and walk down the hall to the living room from there I can see Maura. I have already put her through a lot, and now I'm putting her through this.

"Maura please go."

The words slip out before I can stop them. Maura turned around

"Jane I don't think that's a good idea. I don't think you should be alone."

"Maura I can't do this, I thought I could, but I can't. It scares me to not have it, just the thought scares me."

"You can do this Jane, you just have to try. It hasn't even been an hour, and you just want to give up Jane? That's not you; you're the fighting kind of person."

"I can't fight this Maura, not this..."

I can see that Maura is disappointed with me by just the look on her face.

"Please don't give me that look, it makes me feel worse."

"Jane please let me help you."

"I can't Maura, I'm sorry." I said on a whisper.

"You asked me to help; now you want me to just walk away, I can't do that Jane."

"Please Maura don't make me beg."

Maura walked over to the couch picked up her purse, and walked to the door, on her way out she said.

"This isn't over Jane." then she shut the door.

I walked over to the door, my hand was on the door knob I need to go to my car, and get my bottle. I let my forehead rest on the door.

"Why is it every time I watch her walk out this door i feel like my heart is breaking?" I said aloud to myself.

I finally turn the door knob and walk out.

I drank more than what I had planned to, and the next morning I was feeling it, but at least today I didn't have to work. I'm lying in bed my head buried in pillows. The conversation I had with Maura the night before comes back to mind, and I feel even worse. I roll over to my back with a pillow still over my face.

"You're still alive; I was starting to get worried there for a little bit."

I froze the one voice I did not want to hear this morning.

"Ma go away." I mumbled.

"Not until I get some answers."

I took the pillow off my face, and then put it back on. The sun coming through the window made my head pound.

"Can we talk about this later? I'm trying to sleep. It's my day off."

"Jane I'm not leaving until we talk."

I would never get her out if I didn't talk to her.

"Fine, let me get a shower, and drink a cup of coffee then we can talk.

My mother had the coffee Made when I got into the kitchen; I had already gotten my shower, and was feeling better until my mother opened her mouth.

"So what's wrong with Maura?"

I walked over to the coffee pot; got one of the cups my mother had gotten out, and made myself a cup.

"I don't know Ma. Did you ask her?"

"I did ask her she didn't answer, so now I'm asking you."

"Why do you always assume I know what wrong with her? I'm not her keeper."

"When something is wrong with Maura it's usually because of you."

my mother had a good point. I'm always the one hurting her.

"I didn't mean to upset her."

"Then what happened Jane?"

"It's really none of your business Ma."

"We should make it her business Jane."

Maura walked around the corner of the living room into the kitchen.

"Maura, I didn't hear you come in."

"That's because I came in with your mother. I'm surprised you didn't see me when you came into the kitchen, you're usually more observant than this."

She stood in front of me.

"Is anyone going to tell me what's going on here?" My mother said from her place at the table.

"I told you last night I would go to your mother, but I didn't tell her, I'm leaving that one up to you Jane."

"Why are you doing this to me Maura?"

"Because you will not let me help, and I know your mother will make it happen."

"I still don't know what's going on here." my mother said again.

If I ever needed the earth to open up and swallow me, right this second would be a good time.


	6. Chapter 6

**So i hope you guys like this chapter. **

**I still own nothing, and sadly the mistakes are still my own.**

**thanks for all the reviews so far.**

Chapter 6

My mother is staring at me, it's like she knows, but she still wants to hear it from me. I grab my coffee and sit at the table across from my mother. Maura takes the chair next to me. I don't look at her. I want to be mad at her, but this isn't her fault I brought this on myself. I took a deep breath then looked up at my mother.

"Maura seems to think I drink too much." There it's out, and I don't feel any better.

I look away from my mother, if she is going to be disappointed I really don't want to see it. Maura takes my hand, but I removed it. I didn't want Maura's or anyone's help. My mother was quiet for a long time.

"How long has this been going on Jane?"

"A long time Ma."

"If I got this right Maura was going to help, and you don't want help?"

"No. Yes... I don't want her help."

"Well you're going to take the help. If she thinks you need, you probably do."

"I don't want it, and I don't need it. It's really not that bad."

They both gave me a look.

"Really it's not."

"Jane you asked for my help, for you to ask it has been too bad."

"What do you want from me Maura?"

"I want to help you Jane."

My mother talked me into getting the help Maura was offering. This time they both got the rest of my alcohol and poured it down the drain. This was going to be a long day.

Maura sat down on the couch with me. My mother was still in the kitchen.

"I got you some time off at work, and I'm taking my vacation time. So I'll be able to be here for you."

"You got me time off without my permission Maura? I wish you wouldn't do stuff like that unless you asked first."

"Jane I'm only trying to help not makes you mad."

I got up off the couch and went into my bedroom, shut the door, and got under my covers.

I just want them to leave. Why can't it go back to the way it was two days ago? I need my fix, I can feel it. It scares me to know it's not here, and I can't even leave to go get it because I'm sure I'll have an escort.

An hour goes by I'm getting more shaky by the minuet. I get out of the covers because I'm starting to sweat. I go into the bathroom, and I look at myself in the mirror something I haven't done in a while. God I look awful. Now I see why Maura was worried in the first place. I'm trying to remember where I might have stashed some, but nothing is coming to mind.

I make my way to the living room both Maura and my mother are on the couch. Maura looks up when I walk in she smiles that smile. I smile back for the first time in days, and make my way to the front door.

"Where are you going Jane?" Maura asks.

"For a walk."

Maura got up from the couch, and puts herself between the door and myself.

"Am I not allowed to outside?"

"Not by yourself."

"You know this is a form of kidnapping I could press charges."

"You could, but you know you wouldn't."

"Maura I'm serious I need to go."

I try to step around her, but she cuts in front of me.

"Maura." I say though gritted teeth.

"Jane." she says right back.

I grab her by both upper arms, and move her out of my way. I get my hand on the door knob when Maura makes her way back.

"Jane I know where you're going and I am not going to let you."

"How are you going to stop me?"

"Jane stop!" My mother finally cut in.

She grabbed my hand off the door knob.

"Jane look at me."

I lifted my head to look at my mother.

"If you want to go out, I'll go with you. Ok?"

I nodded my head yes. My mother got her shoes, and a light jacket, and we were out the door.

"Where are we going Jane?" My mother said to break the silence.

"I know where I want to go, but you won't let me, so we are just taking a walk."

We walked in silence some more until we got to the dinner a few blocks from my home.

"We are going here." My mother followed me in.

We got a booth, and were waiting for the waitress to come take our drink orders.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine Ma."

"Maura said you would probably go through some changes before you can get better."

"Ma I'm not sick, I'm not going to wake up one day, and be cured."

The waitress interrupted our conversation.

"What can I get you two ladies to drink tonight?"

"Water." My mother said." "

I'll take water to."

"Do you know what you want to order yet?"

My mother got a burger I didn't really feel like eating, so I just drank my water wishing it was my fix. After the water and the food were brought my mother started talking again.

"Jane can you tell me why you started drinking?"

"There was just a lot of stuff going on, and alcohol made it better."

"Why didn't you talk to me, and if not me why not Maura."

"Ma there's just some stuff I don't talk to anyone about."

On our way back I broke the silence.

"You don't think I hurt Maura do you?"

"Maura can take just about anything, so I'm sure she's fine."

"Ma vie been feelings these weird feelings for a while, and I'm not sure how to react to them."

"What kind of feelings?"

"It's hard to explain, it's like I need Maura around, but I don't want her around. First it was because I didn't want her to find out I was drinking; now it's because I don't want to hurt her. I don't know maybe it's nothing."

"If you figure it out you can come talk to me about it. You know I won't judge you. We wouldn't be in this situation if you would have just come talk to me in the first place."

"I know Ma I'm sorry...I'm sorry for being a disappointment, and a failure, and for getting myself in this situation."

when I finished speaking I noticed my mother was not walking beside me as she was before. I turned around she was standing about ten steps back.

"Is that what you think Jane? That you're a disappointment, and a failure. You're not Jane. I've never once been disappointed in you. Even when you shot yourself. I was happy because you had done it to save your brother, and you may not admit it to yourself but I think you did it for Maura to. As for a failure, look at all the things you have done. Do you think all those family members you've helped find justice to thinks you're a failure? Do you?"

"No Ma."

I was trying my best to keep the tears in, but I wasn't doing a good job of it. My mother walked over to me, and wrapped her arms around my neck, I let my head rest on her shoulder, and I cried, I cried for so many things, but most of all I cried for hurting Maura like I have.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the delay.**

**still dont own nothing.**

**Let me know what you think of this chapter.**

Chapter 7

My mother left to go back to Maura's guesthouse. Maura and I were left there alone. Maura hadn't said anything since we had gotten back.

I looked at Maura, and said "We need to talk."

"I know Jane."

I went into the kitchen, and sat at the table. Maura fallowed, and sat in the chair across from me.

"I don't think I want you here while I'm doing this."

"You can't be left alone Jane."

"I realize that Maura, but I don't want to hurt you. I mean look what happened earlier, I could have hurt you."

"But you didn't Jane. I'm not leaving."

"How do you expect me to do this Maura?"

"The way you do everything else, you work at it until you get it right."

"It's not that simple Maura."

"I know that, but that is why I'm here.

"Maura..."

I didn't know what else to say, but I knew I couldn't make her leave.

"Just remember Maura I told you I didn't want you here." I said while getting up, and walking into the living room.

I didn't check to see if she was fallowing, I didn't want to know. I really needed my fix. God this day has been long, and it's not even close to being over.

"Maura, I need something anything."

"What do you need Jane?"

"You know what I need, why do you even ask."

Maura moved to sit next to me on the couch.

"Jane you know I can't give any alcohol."

"You can't expect me to quit all at once."

"I know it's a process, one that we will get through."

"Then make this process easy Maura, because i don't think I can sit here without my fix for much longer."

"Your fix Jane, is that what this is to you?"

"Yes, that's exactly what it is, and I need it."

"Jane, have you eaten anything today?"

I got off the couch and started to pace.

"No Maura, and how do you get food out of this conversation. I don't care about food right now."

"You need to eat something; you have to keep you strength up."

"Maura look at me, do you think I really want food right now."

"Jane please stop your making it hard to keep up with you."

I looked at her, I really looked at her. God she was beautiful. Ok Rizzoli, stop doing that your life is already complicated don't make it any worse.

"Maura make this easy."

"I don't think I can Jane."

"Why not? You're a doctor I'm sure you have stuff."

"I'm not that kind of doctor.

"Jane sit down your making me dizzy."

When she said dizzy that's when I got dizzy, and I felt really sick to my stomach. This isn't good. I sat down again, but that didn't stop sick feeling. I went into my bathroom, and threw up nothing, but acid. Maybe Maura was right, maybe I should eat.

I sat on the bathroom floor and rested my back on the bathtub with my head between my knees.

"Are you ok Jane?" I heard Maura say from the door way.

"Do I look ok?"

I felt her sit next to me on the floor; she rested her hand on my arm.

"You need to eat."

"Will it stay down?"

"No, it will most likely come back up, you have started the withdrawal process, your body will probably reject everything even water, but that's why it's even more important to drink, and eat what you can, so you'll stay hydrated and you'll keep you energy up."

"I get that Maura."

We sit there in silence for a long time.

"Don't leave me Maura."

"I'm not going anywhere Jane."

Less than an hour ago I wanted her to leave; now I'm afraid of doing this without her. I'm such a chicken shit.

I brushed my teeth, and went into my bedroom and laid down on my bed. I hate to puke it makes me so tired. I feel asleep, and for the first time in months I dreamed about Hoyt, but this time Hoyt wasn't after me, he was after Maura.

I wanted to jump out of bed when I woke up, but I was held down by two strong arms. I looked over and Maura had ahold of me.

"It's ok just lay back down. Your fine Hoyt isn't here."

I laid back down Maura laid her head on my shoulder; I wrapped my arms around her, as if I could protect her from that monster.

"How did you know I dreamed of him?"

"A number of reasons, you told me that's why you started drinking in the first place, and I think the only reason you're that scared when your sleeping is when you're dreaming of him."

"You know me better than I know myself sometimes Maura."

"Your body language is very easy to read sometimes, when you don't have your detective mask in place."

I turned my head to where I could look at her, she was smiling at me. I love that smile.

"Do you really think I can do this Maura?"

"I know you can Jane."


	8. Chapter 8

**I own Nothing.**

**Thanks for all the reviews so far.**

**I hope you like this one.**

Chapter 8

We laid there until I had to run back to the bathroom, and throw up again. Maura brought me some water. My body was shaking, my palms were sweating. This was so not the way I wanted to spend some time off work.

Maura helped me off the bathroom floor, and into the kitchen.

"Sit, I'll make you something to eat. Drink your water."

And I'm the one that's bossy. I watched her fix some grilled cheese, when it was done she gave it to me, and then sat down next to me.

"Eat."

"Are you going to watch?"

"No Jane, I'm about to go clean your room."

She left the kitchen. I stared at my food like it was going to get up and do a trick. It didn't. I got tired of that real quickly, and got up and went to the ice box I opened it up and my fix wasn't there. I knew it wouldn't be, but it still didn't hurt to look. I shut the ice box, and just stood there, and then I remembered I had put a bottle under the sink months ago, I was trying to hide it fast when my mother just barged in.

I went into the living room and looked around the corner into the hallway. Maura was still in my bedroom. I went back to the kitchen and looked under the sink, and thanked my lucky stars. It was still there behind the cleaning supplies.

I got it out, opened it up and drank it right out of the bottle. It was wonderful, the best drink I had had in a long time. I put it back up, I didn't want Maura to walk in and catch me. I sat back at the table.

I was feeling much better, my head wasn't pounding as much as it was, and the shaky feeling was gone, and my stomach wasn't upset.

I looked at the grilled cheese, still didn't look good. I got up and went to the trash can with it.

"Jane what are you doing?"

I jumped, she can scare someone. I looked over at Maura she was standing in the door way of the kitchen.

"I'm seeing if it will do tricks in the trash can. What does it look like I'm doing Maura?"

"Your sarcasm isn't going to get you out of eating Jane."

I threw it away before she could stop me.

"I'll eat later."

She gave me that look again. "I'll eat later, I promise."

She made me eat later, sat there and watched me eat. I ate as much as I could and then looked at Maura and said.

"Is that alright?"

She took my plate so I guess it was.

"Come on, I think it's time to go to sleep."

I fallowed Maura into my bedroom. I laid in bed until I knew Maura was asleep, and then I got up. I got my bottle out from under the sink.

I sat at the table in the dark and drank what was left of the bottle. I wanted to feel bad about doing it, but to be honest I wasn't. I needed this, needed it as much as I needed my next breath.

I threw away the bottle, and laid back down with Maura I was afraid of waking her, but she didn't budge. I feel into a peaceful sleep. I dreamed of Maura. It was a wonderful dream until I was woken up by the real life Maura, she was standing over me with her hands on her hips, she didn't look happy.

"What?"

"Don't you what me."

She held up my bottle that I had put in the trash can the night before.

"What is this?"

"I think you know what it is Maura."

"I know exactly what it is Jane, now I want to know how it got in the trash can, when it wasn't there when we went to bed."

Crap I didn't think she would look in the trash can.

"What where you doing in the trash can anyways Maura?"

"I was cleaning and then...wait your just trying to get yourself off the hook. It's not going to happen. Why Jane?"

"Look Maura I'm sorry ok. I found it yesterday I actually forgot about it, and then I found it and I couldn't just pour it down the drain like you."

she gave me that look.

"I'm sorry Maura."

Maura walked out of the bedroom. Great I just made her mad at me. That's just great. I got out of bed and went to find Maura. I found her in the kitchen; she was standing at the sink with her back to me.

"Muar."

I said to get her attention, she didn't turn around.

"Maura please look at me. I hate it when you're mad at me."

Maura turned around, she was crying. God I hate it when he cries.

"Please don't cry."

"Do you not care about yourself Jane? I hate to see you like this. It physically hurts me to see you like this, but you don't care."

"I do care Maura. I don't want you to hurt because of me."

"It's too late Jane, you've already done it."

"I'm sorry Maura."

I say again to try to make it better.

"Sorry doesn't fix everything Jane."

I walked over to her, and put my hand on her cheek.

"I'll stop I promise." I said in a whisper.

And I did the one thing I had wanted to do for a really long time I kissed her.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry it's so short.**

Chapter 9

In that moment I found what should have been my fix in the first place and Maura kissing me back made it even better.

"Jane, Maura are you here?" I heard my mother call from the living.

I pulled away. Maura was staring at me; I swear she was in shock.

"In here Ma." I called out not taking my eyes off Maura.

I backed away from her to give her some space. My mother walked into the kitchen, she looked at Maura, and then to me.

"What happened?"

"Why do you always think something happened Ma?"

"The look on Maura's face gives it away."

finally Maura came out of her trance.

"She found another bottle." Maura said while pointing at me.

"That's nice Maura, get me in trouble."

My mother really got on my ass about it, and then stayed most of the day, which I was kind of happy about because when I started puking again it was kind of nice to have my mother there to take care of me instead of Maura who hadn't said a whole lot to me. I'm starting to worry that I ruined our friendship. I knew I shouldn't have kissed her, but I couldn't stop myself. How was I going to fix this?

When my mother left it was late. Normally she doesn't ever stay this late. Maura looked tired.

"Do you want to go to sleep?" I asked from my place at the table.

"Yeah, if you tell me where your extra blankets are at I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

"Maura I'm sorry about this morning. You can sleep in my bed, I'll sleep on the couch, so you can be sure I'll keep my hands to myself. I'm sorry about this morning I didn't mean to kiss you."

"It's not that Jane."

"Then what is it?"

"I want to sleep on the couch in case you have another bottle that we don't know about."

"I don't Maura I promise, about this morning Maura."

Maura cut me off. "Jane, you surprised me this morning, I didn't think you would do that, didn't think you would ever do that, and I want to tell you that it was better than I could ever imagine it to be."

"So you've thought about this before?"

"Of course I have Jane."

"So now what?"

"Now we continue on as friends."

"What, why? You just told me you've thought about this before, and you just want to be my friend."

"That's exactly what I'm saying. Jane I can't just let you go from one fix to another."

"What are you talking about?"

"You would be putting me in the place of your alcohol fix and I can't be your next fix Jane. We can't go any further than friends until you I can be more than a fix to you."

I can totally see where she is coming from, but I don't want to be just friends, not when I know what it's like to kiss her, I want to know everything else about her.

"I get it Maura, I do, but I don't know if I can go on as just friends now that I know what it like to kiss you."

"You're going to have to Jane that's the only way this will work."

Lying in bed that night, Maura curled up next me, thoughts were keeping me awake. How long has Maura felt this way about me?

How long have I felt this way about her? I don't know about Maura but I know I've had these feeling towards Maura for a long time, I've just been ignoring them, I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

I hadn't had a drink in twenty four hours now; it's weird to think about, because before Maura found out I was drinking all the time. I still need it, but I don't want Maura to get upset again, I'm tired of hurting her, she doesn't deserve it, so I'm going to control it this time.

I hope.


	10. Chapter 10

**I still own nothing.**

**I hope you guys like this Chapter.**

Chapter 10

Maura woke me up the next morning like she did the day before only this time she wasn't mad at me. I loved it when she woke me up.

"I didn't find any bottles in the trash can, so what did you do when you got out of bed last night?"

I did get out of bed last night, but only to puke up the dinner my mother made the day before.

"I had to go puke Maura. Do you really not trust me enough not to drink while you're asleep Maura?"

"You took that trust away the other night Jane."

"I get it Maura, and I can say sorry again."

"Sorry doesn't make it better Jane."

"You've mentioned that a few times."

I got out of bed and took a shower. The hot water felt good on my aching muscles. When I was finished I got out and got dressed, I was ready to face another day without my fix.

When I walked into the living room Maura and my mother were sitting on the couch.

"Are you coming over every day now Ma?" I surprised them both.

My mother turned around, and smiled when she saw me. "You're looking better today, how are you feeling sweetie."

"Much better Ma."

I sat down next to her. I get really irritated at my mother, but to be honest I couldn't ask for a better mother.

Maura got up to take a shower. As soon as she stepped into the bathroom and shut the door my mother was asking questions.

"What's wrong with you two? Maura hasn't acted right since yesterday morning. What did you do?"

"Ma stop, I didn't do anything; even if i did it's none of your business."

"I think it is my business Jane, she's like a daughter to me the same as you. What did you do?" She asked with a little more force behind it.

"Let's just say I acted on those feeling I was talking about the other day."

"You what? You were supposed to come talk to me."

"I know Ma." she was giving me the look now.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't fix everything Jane." I heard Maura say from behind us.

I turned around.

"I thought you were taking a shower."

"I was, and then I heard you two talking."

"So you were eavesdropping."

"I wouldn't call it that, no I wasn't."

"Maura when you listen in on other people conversation, it's usually called eavesdropping."

"Oh well that's not what I was trying to do. I just thought I could put my input in since you were talking about me, I really wasn't trying to..."

I cut her off. "Maura really its fine, I was just kidding. Go take your shower we will quit talking about you right Ma."

I looked over at my mother. "Of course Maura." my mother said.

Maura walked back down the hall to the bathroom.

"You really do look better."

"I feel somewhat better; I know that if I get through this, I don't plan on drinking again. This is hell in itself."

"You know I should have told you a long time ago that your father was an alcoholic, that's why you hardly ever see him pick up a drink, and if he does he doesn't drink much."

"I think I saw that one coming, I mean took at Tommie. I think he was on the path to becoming an alcoholic."

"I'm sorry Janie I wish I could be the person you could come talk to."

"Ma it's not you, there are just some stuff I don't want to talk to my mother about, and my drinking problems were one of those things. I didn't want to disappoint any one that's why I kept it a secret. I can't say it enough, but I'm sorry Ma."

"No one is disappointed with you Janie we just want to help you."

"Then why do I see disappointment in Maura every time she looks at me. I can't stand it."

"But I'm not disappointed with you Jane." I looked behind me, and there was Maura.

"God woman why do you keep doing that?"

"I wasn't trying to eavesdrop I came to ask if you had some extra towels, and I heard the last of your conversation."

"We really need to get you some cow bells or something; this sneaking up on me thing is not going to work."

"I'm not sneaking Jane, I just walked in."

"We get it Maura."

Maura walked around the couch, and sat in front of me on the coffee table

"I'm not disappointed in you Jane, I wish you would have made different choices yeah, but you did the only thing you could at that time. You just need to realize you have people here that love you and want to help you when something is bothering you, but you Jane, you're just too stubborn in the head to ask for help."


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry for the delay. Finals got in the way.**

**I still own nothing.**

Chapter 11

Two weeks and many headaches later, I was feeling much better. I still wanted my fix, but didn't need it like I did.

Maura is letting me go back to work, which is a very good thing; because I don't think I could stay in my house for much longer.

My first case back to work involved a child. With cases like this I just wanted to go home at the end of the day, and drink until that child's face disappeared from my mind. It wasn't an easy need to ignore, but I did it with the help of Maura.

Each night until we found the monster that killed that little girl Maura came home with me. I hated to admit it but I needed her help, if it wasn't for her I would have picked the bottle back up, and returned to the hole I had put myself in. The hole that each day I was slowly closing up.

Hoyt's memory still haunted me, but Maura was there to pick up those pieces of myself that Hoyt had taken away. I started to relies that I needed Maura not as my fix, but as my friend, my partner, and my lover. If only I could get her to see that.

A week after closing the case with the little girl I decided I was going to bring the subject of us back up to Maura.

Maura came home with me like she did every night. I asked her if she wanted some water, she used to have wine every night after work, but since I stopped drinking she stopped having her wine.

I got her a bottle of water and sat on the coffee table across from her where not too long ago she had told me I was too stubborn to ask for help.

"Maura." I started out.

I had this speech planed out, but now that I was actually saying it to Maura I really had no idea where to start this conversation. Maura put her hand on my knee and said

"Say what you need to."

That's Maura way of telling me that nothing I say will make her leave.

"Maura." I start again. "In the last few weeks I've come to the conclusion that I need you, but not as my fix. You mean much more to me than just my fix. You deserve so much, and I may not be able to give everything to you, but I can sure try."

"Jane stop." Maura cut me off in the middle of my speech.

"I'm not done yet Maura."

"I know Jane, but I have something to say. You mean a lot to me to, and you deserve everything, I'm not even sure I deserve you, but you've always been there for me."

"Maura I don't deserve you, I mean look what I do to you all the time, I just keep hurting you."

"All the hurt that you cause Jane just reminds me how much I love you."

And for the second time in weeks I felt her lips on mine, and it was better than the first time. I pulled away first. I rested my forehead on hers.

"You still didn't let me finish Maura."

"You don't have to, I know what you were trying to say."

"I was going to finish up my speech with I love you Maura isles. Did you know I was going to say that?"

She kissed me again.

For the first night in weeks I didn't dream about Hoyt. Maura may not be my fix, but she sure is the nightmare fix. The next day was my birthday, and I went to work the feeling like I was on top of the world.

It all came crashing down when I got a call. A jail inmate had been murdered.

**Sorry it so short.**

**I sure you guys know what is coming up next, but if you dont ill tell you.**

**The next chapter will be the episode remember me. Ill add a few things, and take out some, so it will not go exactly like it does in the episode.**

**Let me know what if you like this chapter.**

**I should have the next chapter up some time later today.**


	12. Chapter 12

**So I knew when I started writting this that I would need this episode. I didnt add all of it just the last part.**

**Still dont own anything.**

**Mistakes are still my own.**

Chapter 12

The jail inmate was actually getting out someone had paid the five thousand bail. My nightmare came back to life when we were examining the body in the jail infirmary Hoyt was there, and no one tried to mention that to me. Maura later found a balloon full of teeth that the soon to be released had swallowed. That led us to a family that according to Hoyt he had killed.

To top it all off my mother was planning a surprise birthday party for me. Later I made the worst decision of my life when I let Maura come with me to talk to Hoyt after he said he had some things to tell me.

I walked into the jail infirmary it looked like Hoyt was sleeping.

"Hoyt." I said to get his attention.

"He's been in and out of it." Mason Hoyts guard said.

"It's not fair." I said.

"Maybe he'll still be able to talk to you." Maura said to try to make me feel better.

"It's not fair because how can a person that's tortured so many people get to go out so peacefully?"

A seconds passed everyone was quiet and then I heard Hoyt

"Jane, Jane, come closer, have more bad things to tell you."

I hesitate, but finally get closer it's not like he can do anything. I lean down so I can hear him better.

"I'm here."

Before I know what's going on Hoyt has me by the throat and has me on my back on his bed

"Get him off me." I say to the Mason, but the Mason has Maura by the throat and a taser pointed at her.

"I think I'll watch." Mason said.

"Happy birthday Jane." Hoyt says.

Great how am I going to get out of this? Hoyt and Mason, zip tied both me and Maura's hands. Then Hoyt threw me back on the bed with his hand back at my throat he said

"I was so hopping you were smart enough to put together my clues, was it fun? Like a murder treasure hunt."

"I should have killed you while I had the chance."

"Yeah you should of. The taser." he said to Mason. Mason handed it over.

"I could turn it on if you like."

"No!" Maura finally spoke up.

Hoyt ignores her

"I always finish what I start." Mason laughs

"He played you mason just like he plays all his little apprentices."

"I'm not the one wearing zip ties detective."

"What was in it for you?" Maura spoke up again."

"It was fun, kid was all proud of himself going off to school. Big deal he was dropping off murder mistress to a serial killer."

"I love mysteries. Hoyt said

"So you were the one that set up his bail?" I asked.

I was trying to take my mind off what really was going on here I wasn't going to make it out of this jail that much was for sure, I was too afraid to try to get myself and Maura out of this situation. The nightmares I had tried to take away with alcohol were coming true and no amount of alcohol would take this away.

"Yeah." Mason said

"All he had to do was swallow a balloon.

Hoyt spoke up then. "it was too good to be true, when little gram told me he was off to Boston college to be a double eagle, I knew then that he would be the perfect envelope for my letter to you, it's time."

Mason came over to us and got the taser and gave Hoyt the scalpel.

I heard Maura talking to mason that's what I was listening to. Her voice was the only thing that was keeping calm.

"You killed him that's why the edges of the stab wounds were so clean."

"That's very good Dr. Isles. He did get gram here so I could be here with you. I'm dying, and I want company, I think I'm going to take you and Dr. Isles with me."

I closed my eyes when I felt the scalpel at my neck. When he cut me with it I tried to keep quiet but I wasn't able to.

The next thing I knew mason was there and Hoyt told him to hold me down. I saw that Hoyt was going towards Maura.

I was trying to break Mason's hold.

"No!" I said.

I was trying to get him to come back to me, to leave Maura alone. She didn't deserve this.

"I win Jane." Hoyt said.

"Hoyt don't you touch her."

as I got that out Hoyt tasered her.

I heard Hoyt say you're going to feel a little pinch Dr. And I knew what he planned on doing.

"No, stop it." I said again.

Like it was really going to work. Mason told me to shut up. And in that moment my fears went away and all I saw was red I was mad. He was going after Maura. She didn't deserve to die this way. With everything I had I head butted mason then kneed him in the crouch and grabbed the teaser off the bed where Hoyt had put it, and tasered mason.

I notices Hoyt coming at me so I swung the taser and hit him with it he fell backwards and the scalpel came out of his hands I dove in to get the it before he did we wrestled for a few minutes and finally I felt the scalpel in my hands, I startled Hoyt brought the scalpel above my head and said

"I win."

Then brought my hands down and put the scalpel in his chest.

"And you're going to hell alone." I had to say that not that it made me feel any better.

I didn't notice mason behind me. The next thing I heard was the gun shots, and then Korsak was there beside me. He helped me up and said

"You ok?"

"Yeah" I said.

I looked over at Maura frost was with her so I knew she was ok.

Korsak pulled me into him and that's when I lost it.

I didn't get a chance to talk to Maura. A lot of stuff was going on EMT's were brought in IA was there, I watched them bag up Hoyts body. He was dead finally, but my nightmare was still there. He would always be somewhere in the back of my mind waiting until I feel asleep.

By the time I got out of there it was dark. My mother would still want to have my surprise birthday party. I went to the dirty robber where the party was supposed to be, but no one was there. I figured my mother decided to not have the party so I got back in my car and drove home.

I just wanted to be alone. I closed the door to my home I was glad to be home, when I was laying on that infirmary bed I thought I would never see another day again, so being home again was really good.

I turned on my living room light and turned around and everyone yelled surprise. "God almighty." everyone laughed at me I laughed to then I looked around my living room.

My mother took Frankie seriously when he said my pretty pony.

"Wow" I said.

"I looked everywhere for my pretty pony, I hope this is ok." my mother said.

"It's fantastic Ma, thank you."

"Happy birthday." my mother said.

I looked over and I saw Maura I really wanted to talk to her. Maura handed me a water bottle. I noticed everyone else was drinking. I really wanted something other than water.

Korsak gave me a look. I looked away

"Well I got my wish, Hoyts dead."

"A gift to the world, happy birthday Jane." Korsak said.

An hour or so later every one left besides for Maura. We sat on my couch.

"Are you ok Jane?"

I didn't know how to answer that question.

"Maura we need to talk."


	13. Chapter 13

**Sorry its so short.**

**Thanks for all the reviews **

**I still own nothing**

Chapter 13

Maura sat patiently beside me waiting for me to start talking.

"Maura what happened today..."

I knew where I wanted this conversation to go it was just really hard for me to get it out.

"I'm sorry about what happened today Maura."

"It's not your fault Jane."

"I know that Maura, do you know I was so paralyzed with fear I was just going to let Hoyt kill the both of us."

"But you didn't Jane."

She put her hands on my face and made me look at her.

"You got us out of there Jane you saved us, you saved me, and I'll always be grateful to you for that."

"Maura please let me finish."

I took her hands away from my face and started out again.

"I don't think I can do this Maura. I can't, I can't..."

"Can't what Jane?"

"I can't do this with you Maura, I wanted so much for us to be together, but I can't keep you safe. You should go find someone that will."

"Jane, you don't have to do this. You do keep me safe. I feel safe when I'm with you."

"Don't Maura; I almost got you killed today. That's not safe so don't try to play it off as is it. You can't live like this. If you do you'll turn into an alcoholic."

"Jane."

"Don't Maura; go home where you're safe."

"I am home Jane, where ever you are, is home to me."

"Not any more Maura, go home."

I was trying really hard not to give in and tell her to stay. I was afraid to be alone, but I knew this was better for her. Maura tried to grab my hand, but I pulled it away.

"I don't want you here anymore."

I knew Maura would believe it, and she did exactly what I thought she would do. She got up and walked to the door. She turned around to look at me, she was crying I almost told her not to go right then, but I held my ground.

Minutes after Maura left I was on my way out the door. For the first time in weeks I got my hands on my fix. I needed it now more than I needed it ever. I thought about going back home, but I figured my mother would be there in the morning. So I went to the one place I hadn't been in a long time.

I knocked on the door and waited for an answer. After several minutes the door finally came open.

"Janie, what are you doing here."

"Hi Dad, can I come in?"

"Sure Janie." he said while opening the door enough for me to come in.

When he got the door shut he turned around and gave me a hug.

"I'm sorry I missed the party. Happy birthday" he said as he pulled away.

"Its fine, I'm sure Ma didn't even tell you she was throwing one."

"No, but I know your mother."

"Don't we all."

We made our way into the kitchen.

"You want anything to drink?"

"If you have something stronger than water."

He got two beers out gave me one then sat down across from me at the table.

"So what brings you here Janie? Especially this late at night."

"Well actually I was hoping I could stay here for a while. If that's ok?"

"Sure, can I ask why?"

"I just want some time to myself."

"Is your mother getting on your nerves?"

I smiled and said "something like that".

My father finished off his beer, and then he went to bed. I went back to my car and got my fix then went back in. I set the alarm on my phone so I could get up in the morning and call work and tell them I wasn't going to be there. Then I drank myself to sleep, and didn't dream about anything.

**let me know what you think.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry for the delay. With christmas it was really hard to get anything done. **

** I know where I want to go with this I am just having problems getting it written the way I need it.**

**Just dont give up on it. I hope to have another chapter up soon.**

**I still do not own any of this, but my own idea's.**

**Mistakes are still my own.**

Chapter 14

**Maura's point of view**

I didn't sleep any last night. I didn't want to be alone last night, I wanted to be with Jane curled up next to her, but she doesn't want me there anymore. I'm afraid of what she will do since no one is there with her.

I got up long enough this morning to call into work. I knew I wouldn't be at my best, not with the lack of sleep, and with all the crying I did last night no amount of makeup will cover these bags under my eyes. My back hurts from the couch that I've been laying on all night and most of the day.

My thoughts are interrupted by Angela. I love Angela like she was my own mother, but she sure does have bad timing.

"Maura I thought you were with Jane."

"I was until she told me she didn't want me there anymore."

As I said that more tears came. Angela came and sat down next to me and put her arms around me like a mother would do.

"I'm sure she just wanted to be alone, after what happened yesterday. Is it ok for her to be alone?" she said as an afterthought."

"I don't know Angela. I know she was doing really well, but after yesterday she may have a setback."

"Come on Maura." Angela said while pulling me off the couch.

"Where are we going?"

"We are going to make sure Jane is ok."

"I can't go out looking like this, I'm a mess."

Now I see where Jane gets her eye roll at.

"Maura don't worry about it you look fine."

"Really I look fine, look at me Angela. I'm wearing the close I went to bed in, I have no makeup on."

"Maura honey calm down. Go put some different clothes on wash your face, and then we will go.

Angela was in hurry so I found the best clothes I could while trying to hurry up. I at least looked presentable when we walked out the door.

When we got to Jane's place Angela started to get out then noticed I was not following her.

"Are you coming Maura?"

"She said she didn't want me here. I'll stay in the car."

"Maura I'm sure she didn't mean it."

"I know Jane she meant what she said."

Angela walked around the car to my side and opened the door grabbed my arm and said.

"If I'm going you are too."

I got out and followed Angela. We got to Jane's door and knocked, she didn't answer. Angela got her key out and unlocked the door. It was quiet I followed Angela into Jane's bed room.

Jane wasn't there, Jane wasn't anywhere.

"Do you think she went to work?" Angela asked

"I wouldn't think so, but we could go check.

"Now I was getting worried. I didn't see Jane going back to work until tomorrow, and she wasn't here.

I led Angela through the morgue and then up stairs. Jane's desk was empty. Frost and Korsak both looked at us

"Do you guys need something?" Korsak asked.

"Is Jane here?"

"No she called in this morning. Why?"

"No reason were just looking for her. We have a question to ask."

"Have you tried her cell phone?"

"No but that's a great idea frost."

We turned and walked out.

When we got back into the car I got my cell phone put and called Jane, and got no answer.

"Where would she be Angela?"

"You should know you hang out with her more than I do."

"I don't know Angela."

Hours later we had Frankie looking for her. He didn't come up with anything either. I was really starting to worry.

**Jane's point of view**

I woke up the next morning feeling pretty good; I'm surprised with as much alcohol I drank last night.

My father is sitting in his chair watching the end of a game, he recorded. My father turned around and noticed I was awake.

"Hey Janie. I was starting to wonder if you were going to sleep the day away."

"No, it's time to get up."

"Your phone's been going off all morning."

I picked my phone off the coffee table. All my missed calls came from Maura, and my mother. I turned my phone off and sat it back on the coffee table.

"Your mother told me about your problem. Do you think this is a good idea?"

"No it's a horrible idea. But I'm working on it."

"That's good Janie. I really don't want to have to tell your mother what you're doing here."

"I really don't want you to tell Ma what in doing here either."

That what's I love about my father we have an understanding. I've been angry with him for a while for leaving my mother, but he's still my father and I wouldn't change that for anything.

We watched the rest of the game in silence. I really missed Maura; she was the one I usually watched games with. She never really knew what was going on, but she could tell me everything about every player. Little things like that are what make me love her more.

We ordered some food, and had it delivered. We ate in silence at the kitchen table. My father phone rang, and he answered it. I ignored what he was saying didn't really want to listen in, until I heard my father say yeah she's here Frankie.

Crap my father just gave me up. He hung up the phone.

"Your mother is looking for you."

"I know dad, I was just ignoring the inevitable."

"I don't think you can ignore it much longer."

"I know." and that's all we needed to say.

I finish eating and pick up my mess from the night before, and I tell my father goodnight, and go to my car. This is not something I want to do.

Before I stop at my place to get a change of clothes I go to the liquor store I'm going to need it because I'm sure my mother is going to cause all kind of trouble. I get to Maura's house and sit in my car for a minute and then get out and start walking to the door.

I wonder if I should knock. I told Maura I didn't want her at my place, what if she doesn't want me here. I turn to leave when I hear the door open up.

"No you don't." I hear Frankie say before I'm grabbed by the arm and spun around.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm not sure what I'm doing."

"Do you know how worried our mother has been Jane? Do you even care?"

"Of course I care Frankie, what is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? The only time I've ever seen her that worried was the nights she stayed up waiting on Tommie to get home. You went through those night too Jane, you know what she went through, and you do the same thing."

"I didn't do anything wrong Frankie I went to see dad, did you forget about him."

"You could have called, or answered the phone when Ma, and Maura called."

"I was busy, since when does it matter what I do."

"After what you went through yesterday, you doing a disappearance act isn't the thing to do. Then you come home smelling like alcohol are you becoming like Tommie?"

I did the one thing I've never done before. I punched Frankie, not in the playful kind of way we usual do. Frankie did the one thing he's never done. He hit back. I should have expected it, but honestly he knocked me on my ass with no warning.

That's when our mother intervened

"Frankie what are you doing?"

"Me why don't you ask her." he said while pointing at me.

I got myself off the ground

"Are we two Frankie? If you're going to start playing the blame game then he started it." I said while pointing at Frankie.

"Just get inside." our mother said.

We followed her in. I felt like I was a little kid again, waiting for my punishment.

My eyes found Maura's as soon as I walked in. Usually I would go to her but not tonight. Tonight was different, I didn't know if she wanted me to go to her, didn't know if she even wanted me in her home.

So I stood in the living room as far away from her as possible. Korsak came out of the kitchen. Great Frost should be coming out of the wood works soon too.

"Janie, where have you been?" Korsak said when he saw me.

"I went to see my father. Why does it matter?"

"I told you outside but you don't listen to me" Frankie spoke up from his place at the couch.

"Shut it Frankie. You dont know nothing."

"Do I need to put you two in different rooms?" my mother said.

"No Ma were fine." I said.

"Your mothers been worried sick, you could have called."

"I know Korsak, if I ever go see my father again I'll call. Does that make everyone happy?" I started for the door.

"now I'm going home to get some sleep so I cam go to work in the morning."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's all your going to do." Frankie spoke again.

"Do we need to take this back outside Frankie?"

"No one is taking anything out side, and Jane your not leaving yet." my mother said.

I turned back around. "Ma I have a job to do, and that requires for me to get up early. I really dont need to stay here and chat."

"They know Jane." My mother said.

I sat in the closes chair I could find.

"Great I leave for a day, and ever one know's my problem. Did you put it in the paper too."

"Jane don't get mad, we only told them because we were looking for you, but they didn't see you dissapering as a problem until we told them about your drinking."

"That makes me feel so much better Maura."

"Don't you get mad at her." my mother said.

"We are only trying to help Jane." Korsak said.

"Did you mean it?" Maura spoke up again

"Mean what?"

"What you said last night."

"I meant it Maura."

I saw her face go from hopeful to nothing. I really felt bad about doing this to her, but I really felt she would be safer without me."

"what do we do now?" my mother asked.

"We don't do anything, I've got this. I can do it alone this time. I don't need anyones help."

I got up to leave again.

"Jane." Korsak said

"What Korsake?"

"I can't let you go back to work."

"Korsak I'm going to tell you what I once told Maura, what I do in the privacy of my own home is no one's business but my own. This has nothing to do with work, so there's no problem."

And then I was out the door before anyone could stop me. I got into my car and drove home.

I found a very unexpected visitor sitting by my door.

"What are you doing here?"

"I needed to get out of there." Tommie said.

I unlocked my door and let Tommie in before I let myself in.

"Did they have their intervention?"

"Their what?"

"Ma was all about it, I didn't really want to stick around for it."

"Your next Tommie."

"I do agree with them, you need to quit."

"Ma sent you over here didn't she?"

"No Janie, I'm only here so I didn't have to be there."

I let Tommie sleep on my couch, and I layed in bed for hours. My fix was in the very next room all I had to do was get up, and go get it.

I got out of bed and went to the ice box where my fix was. I got it out, held it for a long time. All it does is mess up people's lives. I opened it, I wanted so much to put it to my lips, and take a drink, but my legs had other plans, I walked over to the sink took a deep breath and then poured it out. I watched it all go down the drain, and honestly I wanted to cry, but I didn't I got myself under control, and went back to my bed.

"Maura I need you, I'm sorry about what I said. Can we go back? Can I fix this?"

"I don't think you can Jane."

"But Maura."

"No buts Jane you screwed up. You can't fix this."

The next thing I know Hoyt's got a hold of Maura from behind with a scalpel at her throat.

"I win Jane."

then I wake up covered in sweat. Hoyt showing back up in my dreams scared me, but what scared me the most was Maura telling me I couldn't fix this.

I look at the clock it's four in the morning. I get myself dressed. I have to talk to Maura.

I drive to her house and knock on her door there's no answer so I knock again still no answer. I finally give up and use my keys. Her house is dark like it should be at four thirty in the morning. I make my way to her bedroom it's empty. My blood pressure rises. Where the hell is Maura? I go out the back door, and make my way to the guest house. I pound on the door.

"Ma wake up."

I don't stop knocking until my mother opens the door.

"Jane what are you doing here?"

"Ma where's Maura?"

"She's sleeping."

"No she's not, she not in her house."

"She's in here Jane. She didn't want to be alone, so she asked if she could sleep on the couch."

I push my way past my mother, and see Maura curled up on the couch. I start to make my way towards her, but my mother stops me.

"Don't wake her up."

"I just need to talk to her for a minuet."

"Talk in the morning."

"I need to talk to her now, I need to make this right."

"Make it right at a reasonable hour."

"What if I can't make this right Ma?"

"Trust me sweetie, Maura wants you to fix this. Just do it in the morning."

"Fine Ma, I'll do it your way. Just get me some covers and a pillow."

I laid down next to the couch on the floor. It was not going to be a good sleep, but at least I was close to Maura, and that made me feel much better.

**Let me know what you think of this chapter.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry for the delay. I promise to start working on the next chapter as soon as I get this one uploaded, and I should have that one up in the next few days.**

**All mistakes are still my own, and I still own nothing.**

Chapter 15

I was awoken by Maura the next morning. My muscles were sore from the floor I laid on. On a better note I had no nightmares because I was lying beside my nightmare cure. I don't know how Maura did it, but she kept the nightmares away.

"What are you doing on the floor?" Maura asked from her place on the couch.

"I came to talk to you last night, but my mother insisted that I wait until a reasonable hour, so I slept on the floor, as close to you as I could get." I saw that hope she once had return.

"Where is my mother?" I said while looking around for her.

I looked at the clock hanging on the wall. Twelve thirty, she should be up by now.

"She left this morning; I asked why you were on the floor, but she didn't answer me."

"You could have woken me up earlier."

"I thought about it, but you looked like you were having a good dream, so I left you alone."

Thinking back on it now, I was having a really good dream, but my dreams were always good when Maura was in them as long as Hoyt stayed out of them.

"You said you wanted to talk."

"I do actually, but after breakfast."

I really wanted to talk to her, but now that she was sitting right next to me awake I was really nerves. I didn't want to hear her say "you can't fix this Jane."

I know my mother told me last night that Maura wanted me to fix this, but I will not believe it until I hear it from Maura.

Maura made us breakfast. Eggs, bacon, and toast. I would have rather has the cold pizza Maura had in her fridge, but I could never pass up Maura's cooking. She should have went to cooking school or whatever technical word Maura would use if I asked her about it, but I guess if she would have went to school for that I never would have meet her. Cooking is something I'm not good at never have been, and I sure don't plan to change that any time soon.

We ate in silence. The food was wonderful, what i didn't expect was throwing it all back up. The withdrawal process had begun again. I never thought that one night of binge drinking would start it all over again.

Maura was really helpful like she had been before, but I really didn't want her to have to go through this again, hell I didn't want to go through it again. What scared me the most was Maura thinking she was just my fix again, she was so much more than that, and I hope I can get that through to her. I have told her before that she is so much more than a fix to me, this time I really mean it.

An hour later when I was sure my stomach was empty, and nothing else i didn't know about was going to come back up, I got Maura to the kitchen table.

"It's time we had that talk Maura."

"I think I'm afraid of this talk, I don't want to lose you Jane, and most importantly I don't want to lose our friendship."

"I know that Maura, I don't want to lose that either. I came here to tell you that I was stupid, Stupid in so many ways, for pushing you away when I needed you most, for the hurt I've caused you, and I know I may never be able to protect you like you need, like you deserve to be protected, but I sure can try. And If you'll still have me after everything I have done to you in the last month even since we meet, I'll still be here because I need you in my life I know that now, knew it a long time ago I just didn't want to admit it. If not tell me now and I'll go."

That was everything I had planned to say on my drive over here last night, maybe I should have thought of something more because Maura is quiet. She's never quiet, I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad, but I'm getting really nerves just looking at her.

She finally spoke. "There is nothing to be sorry for, all the hurt you caused was forgiven as soon as they happened. As for protecting me, I don't need protecting, I would rather protect you from all the evil in the world so you don't ever have to rely on alcohol to make them go away, but I know that's impossible in your line of work. I love you Jane Rizzoli, and I never want you to leave."

** If it wasnt for mert I wouldnt have this chapter done yet, so thanks for your reviews, and you can continue to be stockery-ish (as you put it) if you want to. :)**

**And thanks to everyone else who has reviwed.**

**one more thing I wanted to address was a review I got a few chapters back, it said I could never picture Jane being that weak. I think that someone can only be stong for so long until you just cant anymore. Thats my thought but I know everyone else sees things differently which is fine I just wanted to get mine out there.**

**let me know what you think of this chapter. **


	16. Chapter 16

**Here's the next Chapter. This chapter is the reason why I wrote this whole story. **

**I intended it to be the last chapter, and it still might be, it all depends on what you guys think.**

**If you want me to continue your more than welcome to give me some ideas.**

**I still own nothing, and mistakes are still mine.**

Chapter 16

One Year later

Korsak once told me no one can break Jane Rizzoli, Hoyt almost did. I was down to nothing; I didn't want anything but my next fix.

I promised myself exactly one year ago today while I was sitting at Maura's kitchen table that I would never let myself get that low again, that if I ever got to that point again I had family and most importantly I had Maura who was more than willing to bring me out of a hole that I had dug for myself.

I can't say I don't need my fix because I do, I still keep it around, there are days I get home before Maura and I go to the ice box bring the bottle out and open it, and then I see Maura's face, I see the hurt and disappointment I caused, and I close the bottle back up and put it back into the ice box behind the ice cream. If Maura has ever found it she hasn't said anything, but I'm sure she checks it every now and again just to see how much is in it.

I've had that bottle for a little over six months now, and haven't had any out of it. Times before I can't say I did as good, because I didn't. Maura was there every time I screwed up, she would pick me back and put the pieces back together one by one until one day all those little pieces were together and i was whole again.

Hoyt was still in my dreams, only on the nights Maura wasn't there next to me, but the dreams were not as bad as the one before, they were slowly getting better.

If someone were to come up and ask me what my greatest fear is? I would have to reply Charles Hoyt. That will never change, but I've accepted that, and if I could go back and change that I wouldn't because Charles Hoyt made me who I am today, made me stronger. Made me the person I need to be for my family for Maura, who I hope after tonight, will no longer just be my girlfriend, but my fiancée.

I take the box with ring in it, out of my pocket and look at it, it's like the hundredth time I've looked at it since I bought it, and I never get tired of seeing it, it will look even better on Maura hand.

I've been waiting for the right time to ask her. I don't know if Maura will get why this night is so important, to me this day is important because a year ago is when I finally realized how much I actually needed Maura, as a friend, lover, and as a person.

Frost asked me this morning if I was afraid she would say no? My answer was no, if she does happen to say no, and I sure she won't, I'll be very surprised.

I grab the wine that I picked up on my way home from the seat next to me. I'm sure Maura is getting worried over all the time I've sat out here in the drive way. I get out, and start to Maura front door or I should say our front door.

Maura's there with the door open before I can get there, she looks worried maybe I shouldn't have let my thoughts get away from me like That.

"What were you doing?"

"Just thinking about work."

She didn't question me any further, but the worry look was still there. I handed her the wine and then leaned in to kiss her. Each time it was like the fist, I couldn't get over that fact.

She pulled back first if she hadn't had then dinner would have been skipped and my question would have to have come later.

We went into the kitchen Maura got a wine glass out of the cabinet, just one. She never offered and I never asked. Just a rule we came up with that we didn't even know we came up with, it just kind of happened.

Maura walked over to the fringe and pulled out a bottle of water and came back over to me and handed it to me I took it with a quiet thanks. She replied with a smile.

"Do I have time to take a shower before dinner is ready?"

"Take all the time you need." Maura replied while stirring whatever it was she was cooking.

I walked down the hall towards the bathroom. God I loved Maura's shower or should I say our shower. That's something I haven't gotten used to this our stuff. To me this is Maura house no matter how many times she says "Jane this is your home too." Maybe I should talk to Maura in to us finding a home together, and I can talk to my mother about taking over my apartment that way she wouldn't be living in our back yard anymore. I love my mother, but she has the worst timing ever.

Stepping in the shower was like stepping into heaven, the warm water felt wonderful. I stayed in the shower long enough to start to prune.

I wrapped myself into one of Maura's man made towels, that's what I call them, Maura I'm sure could tell me a different name for them, but I've never asked.

I walked into the bedroom and got myself some clothes. I got my best pair of faded denim jeans out with a tank top and a white button up shirt. I got dressed.

I removed the box with ring from my work pants to these pants. My hair would just have to do.

I walked back into the kitchen. Maura was still standing by the stove I leaned my left shoulder against the door way leading into the kitchen and just watched.

I could have lost her that always got to me; I could have lost the love of my life before I even knew she was the love of my life.

I walked over to her and put my arms around her. God I love this women with ever thing inside me.

"I love you." I said in a whisper.

She turned around to where she was facing me.

"Is something wrong Jane?"

"I'm fine Maura."

I really was, I had everything I needed, just needed her to say yes, and I would be even better. I smiled at her. She still didn't look like she believed me, but she turned back to the stove.

I took a look at the ice box. I didn't need it at that moment, but old habits die hard. I guess Maura knew what I was doing because she turned around again. She noticed where my eyes had gone; I looked back at her I smiled again

"Is there something I should know?"

"No Maura ever thing is fine I promise."

"You've been acting strange since you got home."

"I'll go sit at the table until you're done."

I walked to the table and sat down. Maybe I was acting strange.

Maura brought the food when it was finished. We ate in silence, I was trying to find the best way to ask her, and I'm sure Maura was trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

I notice my eyes stray towards the ice box a few times, and I notice Maura watching this. Then I figure out what was wrong, there was one more thing I need to do before I'm ready to ask Maura to be my wife, I need to let go of the past so I can move forward with the future, with Maura.

I get up and walk to the ice box and open it. I feel Maura's eyes on me the whole time. I find my bottle open it and just like before I make my way towards the sink and pour it out and just like before I watch it until it's all gone only this time I don't want to cry, I feel relived that's it done with, that's it's gone.

I hear Maura get up from her place at the table and walk towards me. She puts her hand on my shoulder

"You didn't have to do that."

"I wanted to, needed to."

I turned around to face her I took her hand in mine and just looked at it for a few minutes. She held my heart in these hands, and something was missing from it, and I knew exactly what that was. I looked up at Maura looked her in the eye and I could see my future in that moment.

"Maura"

I felt like I couldn't breathe for the first time since I had bought the ring I started to worry about her saying no. I couldn't take it if she told me no, the rejection alone would kill me.

I cleared my throat and started again. "Maura I've realized in the last year that I can't live without you, you are my everything, and always will be."

I reached in my pocket and pulled out the little box with the ring in it. I wish I had planned this better. I opened the box and looked back up at Maura.

"Maura it would mean the world to me if you would be my wife. Will you marry me?"

Her reply was to kiss me. The rest of dinner would just have to wait.

Hours later were lying in Maura's bed, our bed. Maura's asleep, I look at her left hand, it's perfect now nothings missing because the ring is now there.

The past year and a half have been long very long, and it's been hard on the both of us, but we will be ok because we have each other.

My alcohol problem is long from over I know I have a very long and bumpy road ahead with a lot of dips and turns maybe even some Holes I'll have to dig myself out of, but I can do it, I can do anything with Maura at my side.

**Let me know what you think.**


End file.
